‘Sober October’

October is the start of my 365 days of self care. This month is starting it off by doing ‘Sober October’ which is ran to raise money for Macmillan Cancer Support. As well as raising money, I’m doing this to improve my self care and mental health.

It does say on the lil’ leaflet in the anti-depressant box, to not drink alcohol, but on the good days, whats a pint or ten? ‘Alcohol may seem to improve your mood in the short term, but its overall effect increases symptoms of depression and anxiety.’ Why do I keep drinking knowing its adding depression and anxiety, to my already existing depression and anxiety?

By no means am I dependant on alcohol or feel the need to drink on a daily basis, but I am one who’s very partial to a cheeky Gin, or a cold cider and black when I’m feeling stressed / want to have a good time. But, I always find that- not the day after drinking, (the hangover day) but the day after that, I am that low I cant pick myself up.

Yes alcohol is a depressive and yes they are right. I know people can be a crying drunk and I fall into this category. I have had countless nights out where I’ve ended in tears, being the one that needs to be taken home. Drinking heightens my emotions, makes me more paranoid and makes me over think. The days after I feel my overthinking gets worse, I start to question if I want to be here anymore and just overall feel groggy. My mom has even noticed  a pattern, that I only have irrational thoughts and strong hurtful feelings once I’ve been out and had a drink.*

*(Im talking going out and having excessive amounts, not a pint down the local)

Having 4 years of uni, I don’t even want to think about the amount of alcohol that has gone through my body and every time I’m wrapped around the toilet, throwing up through ’till tomorrow the words ‘I’m never drinking again’ have been said too many times.

I’m doing this month sober to see if actually I do feel better without alcohol making me dip a couple of times a month. It’s been noted there is lots of other added benefits; better sleep, better skin and a better bank balance! Look likes its a mock-tail for me this halloween!

I would love to hear of other peoples thoughts on alcohol and anti-depressants, or own experiences of going sober!

S x

Update: 1st week

I had my first sober night out out, which actually, considering a lot of people are like “I could never go out out without having a drink” I thought it was completely fine. At pres, I told the host I was doing sober October and he offered me some nice mango juice, which was v nice. I held conversations with new people I which I can still remember, and found out I don’t need alcohol to be confident. We went out to a cool bar, and ordered a pint of lemonade, to which the bar girl was like, with Vodka? and a concerned face. Funny how its weirder to order a soft drink than it is a treble vodka. I had a good dance and had good fun and at no point in the night did I feel the need to have a drink. I came home this evening after surviving 2 nights out this weekend with no alcohol and I feel fresh. Im not low, I’m not regretting drinking, to which I know can see its very likely it is alcohol that leaves me feeling shite at the end of the night.

When Anxiety Leads To Trust Issues

Yes I’ve had my fair share of shit boys, Yes I’ve been in a relationship where I thought the only person they were seeing with was me, and yes I clearly put 100% in and got absolutely nothing back. Naturally my trust levels went to 0. But a year on, more people come and go and theres one big reason why they don’t stay.

The vicious thoughts that run through my head when they don’t reply, when they leave me on read, when they give me one word answers. My mind starts asking questions that are completely over the top,

Why hasn’t he replied, who’s he with? Has something happened? He hasn’t replied because he’s with another girl.

He’s online but hasn’t spoke to me? Who else is he talking too? Why hasn’t he been online all day, who has he spent the day with?

Who’s that girl in the his photo?

Why was he last online at 3:34am? Who was he talking too at that time?

My thoughts escalate into me making up situations in my head, that normally are very extreme. These thoughts ruin my day, they eat my alive to the point where I end up asking them, making me look like a complete ‘psycho’ girl as they say. Even with a truthful answer,  my anxiety demons in my head tell me he’s lying, that he’s actually sleeping with someone else. The thoughts get so strong that it affects how I am in a relationship, it makes me question their every move, makes me question where they’ve been all day. This is not the intensity a relationship needs in its early days, and it normally sends them running.

What my anxiety shows me is that I need continuous reassurance, and most people don’t understand that. It shows me that my mind overthinks every little detail. It seems to others that I’m just being jealous girl that has severe trust issues.

I’d love to know if anybody else feels like this and how they deal with it because i’d really like to improve this side of my anxiety. Either that or I’m picking the wrong guys that i shouldn’t be trusting anyway…

S x

I’ve come back to add to this post because all those thoughts I had, the paranoia, the thoughts that there was more going on than just a Facebook photo like….all turned out too be true. I was made out to look like I was completely going mad and he proved that everything I thought was actually correct. Thanks for making my anxiety 1000 times worse.