Last night I put my mom through hell.
Friday night I went very bad. My dark thoughts were telling me ‘I wasn’t good enough’ ‘Im all on my own’ ‘Nobody is wanting me’. These took over and I made myself feel physical pain. I didn’t want to be here anymore.
Saturday was spent curled up in a ball, until I decided to go out with my friends. Anything was better than staying at home on my own and having a night that turned into the same as the last.
The night ended with me out till 8am, after taking something to make me feel like I was escaping. The desire to not feel myself anymore was too much for me to cope with. I went home on my own, slept till 5pm and woke up being violently sick. I was red hot, my heart was pulsating like crazy and I felt like I was about to pass out. My mom was on her way to get me, as was the ambulance. They both arrived together, and I ended up being taken to a&e to see the crisis team. I was ashamed, disgusted with myself, guilty that I was putting my mom through all of this with me.
We waited a long time, which actually allowed time for me just to speak to my mom about how I’ve been feeling lately, why I did what I did. She’s my absolute rock and I’m so lucky that I have someone so strong behind me, supporting me everyday.
I saw this lovely lady, who sat and chatted and asked me how I felt. When she asked me what I thought triggered my depression and anxiety, and I said it all started after a bad break up, she looked at me, shook her head and said;
You beautiful girl, don’t you dare cry over any boy. You are worth so much more.
Her words I will repeat to myself again and again.
She explained that life isn’t a book, no one knows whats coming the next day, but its up to me to live my life. Its up to me to have the life I want.
Im now being referred to a charity to talk about coping techniques and how to deal with the dark thoughts. Spending time in a&e was not fun, but admitting I was not okay and needed help was the best thing I could have done to help myself.
My plea to anybody feeling like this, to not go down my route and go to extremes to escape, but to reach out to someone. Talk to whoever you can, because as I found out, escaping didn’t work.